


THIS IS WHY WE COMMUNICATE, CONNOR

by maxthetransguy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (that was my insta for a while), I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Misunderstandings, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman, Treebros, high anxiety, i'm a mess, make High Anxiety a thing, though the ship name should be High Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 00:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19841929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxthetransguy/pseuds/maxthetransguy
Summary: Connor makes an ass of u and me. (Or Su and Me if you're a Fander) (I am.)I suck at Summaries..





	THIS IS WHY WE COMMUNICATE, CONNOR

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I would post something more fluffy after posting my BMC angst filled fic. This still has angst, but slightly less.  
> TRIGGER WARNING: non graphic self harm.

Evan asks me to come over out of the blue for dinner, I’m worried. He sounds upset over the phone. And he’s using the phone. He hates the phone. He only uses it when he’s stressed or it’s an emergency. I head to his apartment, terror and dread sinks in my gut like lead. He’s finally realized he can’t be with a creep like me. Actually, thinking about it, he’s been hanging out with Kleinman a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if that asshole is trying to take Evan from me. He’s always hated me. He’s always been jealous of Evan and me. My hands are itching for a blade. I grit my teeth. I've been clean for two years, since Ev and I started dating, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to start again occasionally.  
“H-hey Connor,” Evan greets when I come in.  
He looks terrified which only confirms my suspicions. I’m not surprised. The only thing I find surprising is that he dealt with me for so long. I’m a suicidal, violent, angry freak.  
He brings me into his kitchen and we eat in uncomfortable silence until I can’t stand it anymore.  
“Why am I here, Evan?” I finally snap. He flinches and I grimace. “Whatever. I don’t feel like dealing with this. You don’t have to say anything. We’re done. I’ll bring your stuff over tomorrow.”  
“What?”  
“Bye, Hansen. I’d rather you don’t call. Like, ever,” I growl.  
With that, I leave, slamming the door behind me. I stand outside the door for a second, trying not to cry. I go home. And a little bit of me dies inside.  
I lose it. Two years clean and I relapse over a breakup. I only stopped cutting for him. Now it’s over. So who cares if I start again. Then I come across a realization. I was a charity case for him. He dated me to stop me from killing myself. I wouldn’t be surprised.  
I don’t remember falling asleep, but I must, because I wake up the next morning to people in my apartment.  
“Connor!!!!!!” Zoe screams, running into my room.  
“Evan is no longer my boyfriend,” I say into my pillow.  
“We know.” Great. Jared fucking Kleinman is here too. Of course they know. Evan probably called them right away.  
“Show us!” Zoe yells.  
Ah. They know me too well. Of course they knew I relapsed. I reluctantly pull out my arms to show them.  
Silence. I finally drag my head up to see their horrified and shocked eyes.  
“Why so surprised?” I snap.  
“What the fuck, Murphy?” Jared snaps.  
“This is just like you, Connor! Every time anyone tries to love you, you curl in on yourself and lock them out! What is wrong with you?!” Zoe cries.  
“The fuck are you talking about. Evan broke up with me last night. So yeah, he didn’t want to try to love me anymore.”  
“Wait. What? Why?” Zoe asks.  
“He didn’t tell you?” I grumble.  
“What did he say?” Jared asks slowly.  
“Not much. It doesn’t matter. I knew what he was trying to do. So I left,” I say.  
“Jared, please talk to this dumbass. I need to leave the room or I’ll probably stab him,” Zoe says before stalking out.  
I do NOT want to be alone with Kleinman.  
“You’re really stupid. You know that, right?”  
“I’m sorry for actually trying to believe I could be loved,” I scoff. “Maybe I shouldn’t have. It was good while it lasted.”  
Before I can even register what happened, Jared punches me. Hard.  
I howl in pain and cup my now bleeding nose.  
“You jump to conclusions. Maybe let people talk before deciding you aren’t good enough and everyone hates you because it’s not true.”  
“Jesus Christ! I wasn’t even gone for five seconds!” Zoe yells.  
My phone buzzes. I glance at it.  
Evangreen<3: can we talk? I’m outside your place.  
I grumble as the doorbell rings.  
Zoe glares at me. “If that’s who I think it is you two are talking. Jared and I will be here to supervise,” she states.  
“Nope. You can go. Tell him to leave too on your way out,” I reply flatly.  
“No punching him, Jared, but make sure he doesn’t try to leave. Connor, you need to talk to Evan,” Zoe insists leaving the room.  
“I hate you. I just want to cry. Leave me alone,” I mutter.  
Jared glares at me until Zoe returns with Evan.  
“What happened to your nose? Never mind. Jared, Zoe, give us privacy please?” Evan murmurs.  
Zoe and Jared exchange a look, but leave.  
“What do you want from me?” I grumble.  
“Can you tell m-me why?” Evan stammers nervously.  
“What are you talking about?”  
I run my hand through my hair with frustration and Evan gapes at my arms. Fuck.  
“Connor, why would you do that? You were clean for so long!”  
“It doesn’t matter,” I say.  
“It does to me!”  
“It shouldn’t!”  
“And why not? You might hate me, but I don’t hate you!”  
“What the hell! I don’t hate you!” I protest.  
“Then why did you do it?” Evan cries. “I thought I was good enough but no warning or signs! We need to talk!”  
“What are you even talking about?” I yell.  
“WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH ME?!” Evan sobs.  
I pause. “What are you talking about?”  
“Are you joking? Last night at dinner. You dumped me and left. You broke my heart, Connor,” Evan mumbles.  
I fucked up. I really fucked up.  
“You were acting weird. I thought you were going to break up with me. I didn’t want to deal,” I murmur.  
“So you freaked out instead of actually talking to me like a person?!” Evan yells. “You absolute idiotic nightmare.”  
He pulls something out of his pocket and throws it at me. He misses so I go to pick it up. It’s a small velvet case. My heart sinks. Inside is a plain silver ring.  
“Evan…” I whisper.  
“I was going to propose you asshole. Why do you have to make these ridiculous assumptions?” Evan bawls.  
I want to comfort him but he’s pissed at me. Probably wouldn’t be a good idea.  
“I don’t understand,” I mutter.  
“Clearly,” Evan retorts, face still scrunched up in tears.  
“But… you’re so pure and beautiful and amazing. How could you love me? I’m a freak. I’m angry and stupid and basically a bundle of issues. I don’t deserve to be loved. Especially not by you. You’re too good for me,” I whimper.  
“No. I love you Connor Murphy and you are perfect. You might not see it now, but if you agree to marry me, I’ll make it my goal to make sure you realize that,” Evan whispers.  
“You still want to marry me even after I blew up?” I ask.  
He takes the box from my hands and goes on one knee. The tears come and I can’t stop them.  
“I love you. I want nothing more than to be your husband,” Evan murmurs. “Will you marry me?”  
I tackle him in a hug and sob into his shirt. He holds me tightly and kisses my head.  
“Of course I’ll marry you. I love you. I’m an oblivious asshole, but I love you,” I sob.  
He pulls my head up and kisses me gently. Evan Hansen is too perfect for Connor Murphy, but maybe Connor Hansen can be enough for Ev.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! Feel free to kudos or comment. I love feeling appreciated lmao pls send help.


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